Friday, April 23, 2010

Lock and Load

It's four am, any day of the week, know what I'm doing? I'm giving into my dirty, dirty addiction. I've usually been awake or tossing and turning for a few hours. I've been suppressing the urge, trying just to lay, breathe, relax. Icie has usually had her final meltdown and diaper change. My husband is stirring, he's an early riser. It doesn't matter if I have gotten up with her, or if my husband has I still don't sleep. I'm hoping it works, I know it will. It usually takes one and half to two to kick in, my husband leaves the room. I don't think he can watch it anymore. Then, like magic my eyes are heavy. I get the best sleep for the next two hours. It's in the background, a little fuzzy. I'm sleeping but it's still there comforting me, and I'm refreshed.

I got hooked on Boston Legal during the end of my pregnancy with Icie. I ended up being on bed rest twice in my last two months. My blood pressure was high at two of my checkups. I was sent to the hospital for monitoring, discharged within an hour or two and told to relax until my next appointment the following week. I think it was a little bit of white coat syndrome and nerves being so close to the finish line. Each time I was hooked to the monitor it seemed within minutes I was back to normal. I got bored during the weeks in between appointments. My parents had just got into watching Boston Legal. I had watched an episode or two with my mom, and I liked it, but I always forgot what night it was on and I missed it. My mom bought the DVDs to get herself caught up since she started watching the series mid stream.
My mom brought me the DVDs one day with lunch, and it's been a love affair ever since. Icie still stops what she's doing and does a little booty shake when she hears the theme song. I was so nervous in those last weeks, and Boston Legal was the perfect distraction. When Miss Thing is having a rough time napping, we snuggle up in my room, turn on the DVD player and usually both nap. I think there's something soothing about James Spader's voice. I love the relationship between Alan and Denny (James Spader and William Shatner).
I want to be Shirley Schmidt (Candace Bergen). I want to be on the balcony with Alan and Denny, smoke the cigar, drink the scotch. I want Catherine (Betty White) to be my assistant. I want to stand up and button my jacket in court before I give a moving closing.


I know however I'd be something more like Jerry Espenson(Christian Clemenson). I think I've always been a bit like Jerry. I've always felt that awkwardness, the need for acceptance. I've just be able to hide my ticks a bit better then Jerry. I let people perpetuate lies and make fun of me simply because I was too afraid to step out of my comfort zone. I've quit things I enjoyed because I doubted my ability to fit in, not my ability to do the activity. I was waiting for my Alan Shore, my defender someone who believed in my ability to believe in me. My husband is my Alan Shore, he sees in me what no one else does, a lot like Alan does in Jerry. He may not always understand my craziness and I know I frustrate him, but he never dismisses me.
I guess most of all I want to believe that because someone is able to dream this place up and make it come to life that perhaps it is possible. Possible that there's someone like Alan Shore out there, someone willing to look beyond the black and white of a situation and help the underdog. I'm sure there are some watered down real life Alan Shores out there, they just don't have David E. Kelley writing for them.


My husband enjoys Boston Legal, he's not obsessed, he doesn't need it. He will from time to time stand up and button his blazer ala Alan Shore to feed my obsession. Icie mumbles something that sounds a little like Denny Crane when she realizes I'm watching it yet again. I'm just glad I'm able to get some sleep.

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