I don’t want Icie to be alone. I have tremendous guilt. I’m not sure what is in store for our family. Some days I feel we are perfect, some days I feel like someone is missing.
Some days I feel God doesn’t feel as though I could handle another child. Most days I question my mothering skills and I feel as though God is withholding my number two, because I can’t handle it.
Mother’s Day 2007 is when I lost my first child. The loss came after excited announcements and three weeks of turmoil. I never saw a heartbeat. The baby was real to me though as soon as I saw that positive test. I
I have this crazy, perfect, adorable, challenging, fulfilling, little daughter that fills my day, and I still feel cheated. I feel terrible.
I feel terrible, because even though Mother’s Day is months away the thought of it makes me want to crawl into the fetal position and cry. I want to pretend the day never happened and never happens.
I pray for an answer to my questions about our family. I thought I had handed it over to God months ago. I’m pretty sure though that there’s a string, a very small string of control left in my palm that I’m clinging to for dear life. I have no control.
I don’t want control. I am finally ready to admit and say it with all my heart, “God, this one’s yours. It’s all yours. I will trust you.”