Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Letting Go Of Supposed To Be.

Icie was supposed to be a little sister. I can’t even imagine it. I would have had two under two. I now have one, and no number two on the horizon. I thought for sure that number two would be here by now, or at least a long way along the way. I’m not sure number two will ever come, and I’m trying to tell myself that’s okay.


I don’t want Icie to be alone. I have tremendous guilt. I’m not sure what is in store for our family. Some days I feel we are perfect, some days I feel like someone is missing.

Some days I feel God doesn’t feel as though I could handle another child. Most days I question my mothering skills and I feel as though God is withholding my number two, because I can’t handle it.

Mother’s Day 2007 is when I lost my first child. The loss came after excited announcements and three weeks of turmoil. I never saw a heartbeat. The baby was real to me though as soon as I saw that positive test. I was am heartbroken.

I have this crazy, perfect, adorable, challenging, fulfilling, little daughter that fills my day, and I still feel cheated. I feel terrible.

I feel terrible, because even though Mother’s Day is months away the thought of it makes me want to crawl into the fetal position and cry. I want to pretend the day never happened and never happens.

I pray for an answer to my questions about our family. I thought I had handed it over to God months ago. I’m pretty sure though that there’s a string, a very small string of control left in my palm that I’m clinging to for dear life. I have no control.

I don’t want control. I am finally ready to admit and say it with all my heart, “God, this one’s yours. It’s all yours. I will trust you.”

6 comments:

  1. You can handle ANYthing! You're strong and have a fabulous support system. You deserve the best and we love you and are always here for you!!

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  2. I really appreciate you opening up about your struggle. Hang in there mama! You are in my thoughts...

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  3. Ack! Now I'm all teary eyed. I know how much that kind of loss sucks, and how much it stays with you even when you think you've moved on. I'm so sorry you had to go/are going through it. xoxox

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  4. Em, you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for! You can totally handle another little one and you will! Just hang in there. I'll be praying for you:)

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  5. I have one.... didn't plan to just have one child but the years have slipped by and now I feel like it is too late to try again.

    Sorry for your loss of your first child. I know it is hard but just follow your own advice and give it to God. :hugs:

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  6. Oh hun, I wish I could give you a big hug. Hang in there - you're in my thoughts and prayers!

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