Friday, March 9, 2012

Sometimes You Need A Sip.

I always thought I wanted to be a mom.  My mom is great.  My mom is strong, fearless, and relentless. I am none of those things.  I hoped that some of her strength would rub off on me. I'm not sure that it has, but at least I have her as a sounding board.
I sit here with two beautiful daughters, and although one is just ten days old I am certain they are different as night and day.  I am fairly certain that it's a case of getting what you asked for, and not being sure if it was the best thing to ask. 
I'm not saying one or the other is better or worse, just different than I had ever anticipated.  My mom made it look so easy.  I never saw the heartache that I'm sure she felt as each of her children ebbed and flowed through all the stages and rites of passages we've all experienced.  
I am sure that the things we struggle with now, which are all fixable and take time,  will seem like nothing ten years from now.  Right now however I am mired in them. 
I have read a million blog entries of similar sentiment.  They are ages and stages where we all feel like it's getting the best of us as parents. 
I am still trying to find my footing and after three years in I feel just as shaky as ever.  I know I have made mistakes, indulged when I should have been firm and held out when all I could see was the win at the end of the fight.  
I am fairly certain that the dramatics I have created in my own head are much worse than the reality of our situation.  
I am trying to find the joy now, but it's a battle.
I pray and reset more times a day than I'm sure that I'm allowed.  
I have everything I have ever wished for, and yet I want it to better, want more, want it now.  I want all the reward, but the work scares me.
I keep thinking that God is laughing at me. All the judgments and proclamations I have made over the years are being thrown at me to chew and chew and chew.  
I am full, I've learned my lesson Lord.  My daughters need me to be better and I need your hands to guide me.  
Anyone who leads you to believe that any of this is easy or comes naturally is either delusional or a pathological liar. 
There's a reason Jesus turned water into wine.  I'm pretty sure he would be okay with me taking a sip, you know to make the swallow a bit easier.

3 comments:

  1. Oh yeah, none of this is easy at all. Also, you will never feel like you have finally gotten the hang of it. But you will get better at trusting yourself and you will get better at living in the moment. Promise. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. You know you can call me anytime, day or night, right?

    ReplyDelete

Tell me all about it.