There’s this moment or at least there was this moment every spring when something would draw me outside in the evening just before bed. The reason was always different, and usually not that exciting, think bringing in groceries or greeting someone coming home just a bit later then the norm.
The moment however was always the same. Something hit me, and I knew summer was right around the corner. Summer was almost here and it had nothing to do with the date on the calendar, it was just a feeling.
I’d step off the porch usually with the last bits of light on my toes as I moved barefoot from the cement of the sidewalk to the yard. My bare feet loving the crunch of the grass, the sogginess of early spring gone, and my mood would be instantly lifted.
Things were crisp and fresh and everything just felt better. I’d usually plop myself down on the porch after my task was over, just for a minute or however long I was able to get away with to just soak that feeling into my bones.
I’d curl and uncurl my toes. I’d lean back bracing myself, elbows just barely bent, throw my head back and just breathe.
Trees with fresh leaves would cast shadows. The sun would slowly disappear, and stars would make their evening debut. I would make my way back inside. Before I’d step back in I’d take one last look at the sky and pick a star to wish on. I went inside with the feeling that anything was possible and a sincere hope that my wish could come true.
I want that feeling back. Being able to feel the seasons change and be excited for what was right around the corner. I want to be able to feel, smell, and taste the change and embrace it. I want to be able to embrace the unknown of the next season and get that tingle of excitement for the possibilities that lie ahead.
I want to feel that anything is possible again. I want to not look to the future with dread but with pure delight that things will change. I want to be able to shut the nagging feeling off that has taken over my whole being.
I want to be able to put the switch back to hope. Hope that it can only get better and sweeter. Hope that my work will pay off. Hope that things will work out for the better. Hope for anything positive.
The ability to embrace all my blessings and happy moments with gratitude is lost to me now. I have tried to be more intentional with my thoughts and to stop at the word but, that seems to so often crop up as a way to qualify those blessings as just a fluke.
Most mornings my three year old greets me with a question that breaks my heart. “You happy Mommy?” she chirps. I can’t answer most mornings. I pretend I didn’t hear her. Sometimes she tries again and I am forced to answer.
I don’t want to lie to her anymore.